4.29.2007

you can have it all

today i hung with a friend who did not find it weird that i am going to chicago by myself in july. god bless her for that and for never looking at my like i am a retard when i talk about why i am divorced.

and because it is the one year anniversary this month,
i'm gonna talk about the big D.

cons:
1. i hate that i made choices that hurt good people.
2. i hate that some people will never trust my judgement again.
3. i hate that i forgot me.

pros:
1. i love that i never have to wonder if i am lovable enough to marry.
2. i love that i had my perfect wedding. (and fuck you for thinking i'm shallow. every girl dreams about that shit- no matter how down to earth and cool she is.)
3. i love the possibilities are infinite.

i just need to figure out what the hell i possibly want.

4.28.2007

the way the lazy do

ran the nashville half marathon today. it was nice.
i didn't have a panic attack at mile 11, and i finished in under 2 hours.
not much else i could hope for.

well... maybe i could not have some weird ass misshapen toe from liking tight shoes.
that's about it.

going to lunch with girlfriends.
i need marguaritas.
ta ta.

4.20.2007

don't say a word (hot chicken #31)

the other morning, i woke up in bed with a wrench, a hazelnut, and my vibrator.
there's not a whole lot else to say.

4.19.2007

dashboard

my washer fluid light is always on.
always.
it makes some people nervous when they drive my car because it is this peppy yellow text that peeps from the side of the steering wheel. that may be where i fell in love... text. i feel sure that if it were a symbol or just a little flasher-lite i would hate it, but it's words. pretty, pretty words.

at least that's why i thought that the light didn't bother me. but today, "washer fluid" brought other lettered-friends to the light show. and these kids are not cool.

they drink too much hunch punch and puke on the carpet.
they chew glow lights in their mouths.
they steal your mother's rolex.

they read check engine.

turns out that i was only okay with the annoying little light when it was shiny and benign. now that it means something, it scares the shit out of me.

4.16.2007

if you really want to know...

the only two things that frighten me are birds and special people.
i can absolutely handle snakes and corpses... no problem.

but, special people rank high because i have had diaper duty with one student familiar with puberty and have had duty with another whom had a FIRM understanding of self gratification far beyond anything that could kill a werewolf.

did you know there is educational protocol for such things???...
SEND YOUR CHILDREN TO PRIVATE SCHOOL.
i can not even talk about it.

birds scare me because
1. they are super twitchy
2. they try to confiscate building materials from my ball o' dark brown hair.

special people scare me because
1. i've cleaned pubes off my work keyboard
2. god will punish me come embryo time

but andrew bird is beautiful.
and i still have faith because i have a last name.
figure that one out.

4.14.2007

top ten reasons i won't go out with you again

i couldn't resist.

10. you've never heard of the starlight mints.
9. you tell me at least 7 times that gay guys think that you are gay.
8. your hands shake when you are near me.
7. you kiss me when i am explaining (nicely) that you shouldn't.
6. you smell like cold chicken grease.
5. you stay in my bed on sunday morning, though you have a home.
4. your primary mode of contact with me is texting.
3. you can't go beer to beer with me, though you weigh 50lbs more than i.
2. you choose tv over music.
1. you have spider fingers that crawl over my skin in trepidation.

inhume me, man

yeah- get out your thesaurus.
i had to because resurrection is definitely a first century phenomenon.

so what happens when someone
wants to eat at your favorite restaurant,
takes you to a great music place,
and wears a cute shirt.

nothing if you are the pickiest bitch on the planet.

now i have to figure out how to get rid of him, if i haven't already with my date-nite-monologue about how hot i am, how picky i am, and how bitchy i am. this speech springs forth from my mouth like Clampett oil when i am sitting next to the wrong guy. i can not stop it, and it horrifies me.

all of it horrifies me.
all of them horrify me.
well almost all of them.
and if he doesn't horrify me, he usually doesn't call me.

i really want to make another detailed list hazing men, but i don't even have the optimism to laugh anymore.
i'll list them though.

#9 puma pimp
#10 the five year old
#11 takes 5 hours to get ready
#12 i've known you for 15 years
#13 you must be gay
#14 the franchise boy
#15 talks without listening

there is one person who didn't make the above list because everything that i would make fun of him for is actually what makes him attractive to me. a friend of mine said it best, none of this shit would bother you if you liked the guy- you'd find it endearing.

so...here's to finding someone else who, when he chases his food around his plate with a toothpick, makes me want to kiss him.

4.09.2007

the splinter inside me

palm sunday always used to be my favorite at church.
there's something about green fronds that i could smack my older brother with when he farted on me in church. there's something about peeling the leaves along their striations until the perfect curl formed in my hand, readily reminding me that god can make some really beautiful things. there's something about tangibility that can not be refuted or regretted during this, the season of resurrection.

however, instead of going to church this easter season,
i went to brunch at the germantown cafe-
where i gave my phone number to the waiter.

mind you i wrote the digits on a calling card that read,
"Ms.(blank) would like to apologize for her naughty behavior on (blank) to further address, she may be reached at (blank)"

i filled in the blanks.
he's called.
he's smart.
he's the next boy i'm gonna kiss.

turns out that god likes it when i stay out of church, because
i needed to remember what it feels like to be excited
instead of vaguely disconcerted when a new boy calls.
i needed not to laugh at someone
who could not wait 24 hours to talk to me.

maybe i can hold this palm and find resurrection.