double double tendons and trouble

i went to memphis to visit my mom in the hospital this weekend.

she had her knees replaced with some metal alloy that i should remember because i am normally a good daughter. but, i can't remember the name of the metal, and i can't remember breakfast with my mom sunday morning.

wait.
that's right.
i didn't eat breakfast with my mom on sunday morning.
i was picking sofa fuzz off my sweater from sleeping on a couch somewhere in east memphis.
poor mom.
fun me.

revisionist history

sometimes, i go out and drink too much.
then, i check my cell phone to see whom i have called and texted, trying to piece the night back together in my cloudy little mind. this is all well and good until i realize…

i am a deleter.
i erase incriminating texts while i am in a bathroom stall at, let’s say, a bowling alley and realize that i should not text boys first and must get rid of the evidence that i am an idiot.

then, the next day while scrolling through the past eve's communications in a hungover haze, i live a blissful 3 minutes under the impression that he texted first, which makes me feel okay for engaging in the all night text fiesta.

it even begins to soften the fact that he’s 7 years younger.

then, i have a cloudy memory of the first text,
which was my text,
and realize,
much like the WASPS
i am trying to rewrite history.

well.
at least i am not spreading syphilis.

fatty fatty 2x4

no fat eatin in nashville, whore.

there.
another attempt at poetry.

vandyland this summer and the belle meade cafeteria this christmas.
i may finally be able to get into a size 2 pants.

addictidiot

so i quit drinking coffee yesterday.
new year. new start. beholden to nothing.

i mean, how hard can it be?
i only drink 6 cups every morning.

yesterday, i felt like i was walking around with a wet blanket on my head. i could do nothing. in fact, in target i could not even remember the word for detergent. i looked a my roommate and said, "you know that thing with the clothes and the washing."

so without coffee, i could not
a) find words in my brain
b) open my eyes past a "high as a kite" stage
c) work out
d) go "potty"

the last one turned the trick. i have no problem feeling, looking, and sounding like a dipshit, but "potty" is a necessary- 1 hour after i wake up event- that my world revolves around. it's the reason i leave a shack attack before we can spend the day together. i love it more than i love men.

needless to say, i am drinking a cup of coffee right now.
and i feel great.
don't worry mom- i'm cutting back to 3 cups a day.

by the way, there is an FAQ archive... amazing.

on this FAQ cite I learned all about coffee.

yom kippur and rosh hashanah rolled into one

blogs should be fun, educational, entertaining, or something other than a sap fest for the masses. therefore, i have been less able to write about my life lately. it's hard to be sarcastic when you are happy.
but i'm working on that.

here's my best at obfuscational entertainment.

happy new year.
and get ready for 12th night (january 5th)

i like this concept... jesus is born and it takes 12 days for folks to figure it all out. so we have a huge feast and give more presents 12 days after christmas. unfortunately, no one i know celebrates this holiday except for the grandmother who thinks i've ruined the family resume. freaking luck.

BUT, saturday is epiphany- a holiday that one can celebrate alone.
my favorite part of it is trying to figure out what was learned the previous year.
let's do a run through of some of the winners...

1976- sometimes sperm happens...
even if your mother doesn't want a second child

1981- summer camp in a 103 degree heat wave is crap..
army peanut butter and outdoor naps on ant hills?

1982- life is not fair...
eight year old girls can grow a moustache

1983- bovine growth hormone can be a wonderful thing...
having boobs in 3rd grade is cool

1988- bigger isn't always better...
going up a size every time you shop for clothes loses its joy around age 12

1990- snooping in other people's drawers is bad...
no one needs to find condoms in the drawer of a parent who can't procreate and should not have an STD

1992- chalk that shit up to practice...
in terms of love, sometimes what you think is the championship game turns out to be a little back yard game of touch

1994- pendulums swing...
having the biggest boobs in 3rd grade was not worth having the smallest in 12th grade

1997- accept things when they are free, even if electric shock is part of the deal...
i should have taken my mom up on the electrolysis she offered me in 3rd grade; laser hair removal is some pricey shit

1999- let them go before it it too late...
because when they come back, and they always do (with ceramic chickens of some sort) you are done with them, and it's too late to salvage anything other than a sense of bitchy independence.

2004- listen to your instincts...
perfect isn't perfect if it isn't your perfect

2005- the miracle of life is beautiful...
until you notice that a placenta resembles the sak purse your mom carries

2006- well, i learned some good lessons this year...

1. opposite actions do not have equal reactions...
it takes 4320 times longer to get a divorce than it takes to get married
(i did the math)

2. mick jagger is an f-ing genius...
when you try sometimes, you get what you need.

3. we love whom we love...
in the wake of stolen boyfriends, coveting thy neighbor's ass, fingernail polish on white satin, and miscommunication, the best fleetwood mac song can always remind you that unconditional love is ferocious.