Seinfeld gots nothin on this be-atch

okay- i've been officially single for 2 months and realistically single for 8 months. i have been abstinent for 10 months. we are in a dry spell people. like saltines dry. so to remedy this condition, i have been dating or what can be loosely defined as dating.

“now, how do you meet men?”

this is the Q de jour. damn embarrassing when you have to explain to your mother that you get drunk in bars and not indiscriminately, but quasi-indiscriminately pass that shit (aka phone #) out like candy. the good kind of candy though, the halloween chocolate that you won’t share with your scary-ass big brother, but you will give to the girl with the unicorn pen. i have laughed in the faces of some who would desire me, but I have also shown up at radnor lake for a walking date and coveted the position of the road kill on otter road.

the fuzzy cat in the 40 yr old virgin said it best...(misquote to follow) i think its an evolutionary thing. the more seed you sow the more you grow.

he's got a point, but the quality of my crop is diminishing. so let's review the situations and ramifications of passing out your phone # in the music city.

we are working with february to June here... 4 months of cultivation and not a damn thing.

#1- hsv2... get out your physician's desk reference here peeps.
the highlight of the exchanges here included a chinese buffet that tore me up for 2 days and the quickening heart rate that accompanied the glance into his medicine cabinet. lessons learned- always snoop the medicine cabinet. it isn't sneaky; it's survival of the fittest.

fevies aside, i got rid of this cat because HE ATE TOO FAST AND WITH TOO MUCH VIGOR. like he hadn't seen a wanton in a decade. he also talked fast and ALOT. boys should be mute and mysterious. i could not get a word in during phone convos. there are things i can't say in impolite company. also... d-h-ing should cease in high school. if you are going to d-h, you might as well w-h.

the quote of the relationship: poet laureate says, "i'm not 15 years old; i'm 30. i'm not afraid to look at it OR touch it. i just don't want to... look- you beat off; i'm gonna go make coffee."

#2- colgate
my high school professional resume was more impressive than his present day one. he also could not bring himself to brush his teeth before our date AT 4 IN THE AFTERNOON. seriously. saving grace- phenomenally beautiful eyes. lesson learned- do not focus on one aspect of a person's character (or physical make-up). think whole package.

#3- shriaaamp(think bubba gump)
this cat was so short that i TOOK MY SHOES OF IN A BAR to be of equal stature. he called a lot. (think 7 times in one day) he as also affiliated with some gentlemen who made a name for themselves in college with strippers and domesticated animals. dairy products were involved here, too. lesson learned- if you wouldn't have hung out with his group in college, go west young woman.

#4- the 12 year old
hot. smart. 5 years old. his contact with me consists of text messages at 10pm on friday nights. he wants me to meet him out. for what i wonder? he didn't call me the next day, as i suggested, to invite me to an outing that i could tell my mother about. i am too damn old to be anyone's booty call. i call the booty, damn it.

#5- cat with small paws
there aren't enough words. all i can say is... myspace.
you know how your 5 year old niece wants to sit in your lap and play with your hair. well, so does this cat. it's about as sexy. so for his tentative touch and early references to marriage and children- we give him the diss. his hands were also the same size as mine. that's not right for a cat who is over 6 feet tall.

quote of the relationship: poet laureate says, "i think my dick is bigger than yours. either that or your pussy is bigger than mine. i'm done with you."

lesson learned: when someone posts a picture of himself and his cat on myspace, it's never good. or straight.

#6- i'm too sexy
we will just say that this is a friend. a nice boy, but not my boy.
lesson learned: don't drink too much at the local brewhouse and start looking at FRIENDS in a new light. if you didn't want to fondle him in the last 10 YEARS THAT YOU'VE KNOWN HIM then you don't really want to fondle. now i am getting stared at and asked about too much. too much.

#7- i see 47 year olds (think sixth sense)
because i am gettting more astute at avoiding sketchy situations, there isn't much to say. i clocked out when he told me that he had lived with a 47 year old yogi for 3 years. i am sure that she was super hot, but i ain't taking sloppy seconds from a grandmaw. no ma'am. when he calls to go to din din, i will screen baby, screen.

#8- the dishwasher
here lies the great white hope.
he does not wash dishes, but we must not utter his name, as is bad karma.
what if one of his friends was sitting next to us at a bar as we are waxing philo-sex-o-sophical? this is something that would definitely happen to me, so we are weary of discussing, "he who must not be named."

we shall see. we shall see.