You Will. You? Will. You? Will. You? Will

be alone forever.
i will be single forever.

and this is not one of those, nobody wants me whines
(i don't do that and people want me).
and this is not one of those, i like being alone diatribes
(cause i am reasonably sociable).

this is the stark realization that i am too judgemental to accept people.
and i think that everyone but me and my friends are total dorks.

in the past 30 months, i have gone on at least as many first dates. i tried to recount them all this morning, but got distracted by "oh my god, i forgot about that guy" too many times to continue counting. and i got the willies/shivers from remembering guys who build mc donalds playgrounds.

case in point: coffee with the guy who e-mailed me from my claynation article:
took me somewhere local (+)
is smart and funny (+)
is reasonable to look at (+)
likes baseball (+)
takes initiative(+)
ran a 5K in under 19 minutes (+)
wears Adidas gazelles (+)

BUT (a big but, as in baby got back)
he wore a necklace and some rings (really madonna?)
he wore a leather jacket (easter was like 3 fucking weeks ago)
his eyes were a little wide open (abnormal psychology)
he lives in franklin (where amy grant eats at bread and company)
and he had a lisp (i am going to hell)

he's nice. he's funny. he likes me.
but he has no idea who stephen malkmus is.
he has no possession of sarcasm.

i want a man who...
is as irresponsible, yet responsible as myself
knows who yo le tengo is
laughs when people fall down, then feels bad (a little)
has all his teeth
is a smart ass
won't let me run all over him
has has sex appeal
doesn't sit on his ass all night
is at least 5 foot 6 and not fat
has dark hair (something yuck about pasty blonds)
knows that sports events are for drinking
and lives in my neighborhood (where robert plant goes for sushi)
that's right, people. led zeppelin.

i want to date myself.

oh. one more reason i will not get married:
i'm 32 and i use the phrase "total dork".