my mind is ramblin'

growing up, relationship constructs and rules in accordance made sense.
my brother lived to torture me.
my parents lived to protect us.
and my friends lived to share twinkies with me.

my brother was allowed to trap me in the kitchen corner and force me to dance with the utility knife, but not the butcher knife. he could yell, "dance bitch, dance!" but was never to call me mother-fucker.

my parents would only leave me alone with said brother when every babysitter in a 167mile radius was booked. and if they had to leave me with him, they checked mileage on all cars and warned the neighbors next door to listen for screams.

concerning friends, i would give them unicorn pens, kaleidoscope pencils, and small change for bites of twinkies. if i happened to score a $5 bill, sometimes we negotiated the entire swiss cake roll. what? i was fat and my parents were health nuts.

childhood relationship were even.
fair.
understood by all parties involved.

that shit flew the coop in 8th grade. my brother hugged me for the first time in recorded history when he went to college. my parents quit pretending that they liked each other and no one was safe anymore. and exchanges between friends became ones of emotional collateral instead of refined sugar. and it's taken me 20 years to be glad that bird is long migrated.

sure. some of my relationships still follow the rules.
take work: i don't steal stamps and don't use my corporate card for personal expenses. take the irs: i file by april 15th and pay my taxes. god, do i pay my taxes. and my car. well- i sink hundreds of dollars into it and it looks like shit.

these are rules i am still okay with. but others... i'm done.

like my ex.
i refuse to follow the rule that says we should hate each other.
i refuse to follow the rule that says we should hook up after break up.
that man and i made vows. and while i'm not keeping them, i still respect that i once made them.

like my best friend.
i refuse to covet her beautiful children and fabulous husband.
i refuse to think that she owes me any more time than she can give.
this woman and i have made it through boyfriend trades, hallucinogenics and after-birth; i think it's okay if we don't talk on the phone for a month.

like men i like to kiss.
i refuse to demand that because you can't get away from me means that you should be with me.
i refuse to think you can only get what you need in boyfriend, girlfriend and fiancé.
some people and i are connected through time, music and really great tv. no one says it's gotta fit into a 30 minute time slot.

don't get me wrong.
when you see a stop sign- come to a complete.
wear clothes when you leave the house.
for god's sake, leave the room to fart.
but don't. just don't.
tell me
that he should
and she should
and we should
be anything other
than what we are.