don't change your plans

i am not creative right now.
i'm too tired, but something that's been on my mind is the idea of placeholders in our lives. sitting in the vanderbilt cafeteria the other day, drinking really good coffee from fiesta ware, and talking to a mentor about what the future holds, i got chastised. hard core.

man said, "poet laureate of coney island, you can't put off going to grad school just because you MIGHT have children in the next five years."

seriously, i am a 32 year old woman who is afraid to go balls to the wall after grad school because i know that if i do, i will not do anything about making a family or a life with another human being. that will be it. i'll be crazy career lady.

instead, i am crazy placeholder lady.
or seat saver lady.
maybe, a million in the bank wearing kmart clothes lady.

and it's fucking stupid.
i'm holding a seat for something that is not even a shadow in my life,
i'm not married.
i don't live with anyone.
in fact, i stutter when i use the word boyfriend.

but i can say that i'll wait on what i want to do for something i'm not sure about just because to not do it would be more than the rest of the world can handle.

i officially suck.
working on it.