clean getaway

i have had a myspace account since ?last year? sometime because if you don't have a login, you can't look at other people's pictures that they post on their sites. you may not think this important, but you can learn a lot about a man by his pictures. so much... cats, small hands, ugly family- you get the drift.

well today- i checked my inbox (after stalking a date from last week. i needed to verify my judgement. this guys has a semi-loaded page that he checked last week. at least he's not checking it daily. pro was some seriously hot footage of him at the beach. who says women aren't visual?)

anyway-i had six pages of e-mails in my account inviting me to join some singles group- who knew i could have skipped all of this dating and spent even more time in front of the computer not having sex?

fuck myspace.

on a new note...
exciting things from the last 2 weeks:
bought a new wax kit
met my best friend's new baby and played with her old one :-)
went to mc cartys pottery in marigold, ms
had a facial
played kickball and helped to win the game
went to a bachelorette party
felt chemistry again
found my happiness in a denim skirt and white t-shirt
rolled in the clover

the girl racer

last weekend i ran the country music half marathon.
i woke up at 5 am to run 13.1 miles.
what the hell was i thinking?


mile 1
spectacular adrenaline rush

miles 2-4
painful.
the body is not interested in warming up.
things still hurt at this point.
i decided to bag it and focus on finishing.
i cursed the 3 pounds i've earned from patio drinking
and looked around for cute boys.

mile 5
good again.
things stopped hurting at this point.
endorphins are lovely.

mile 7
i got hot and threw my sports top on the sidewalk.
at this point i quit looking for cute boys because i didn't want to see any in my state of toplessness.
i want the sports top back, but someone on belmont boulevard now owns it.

mile 8
trucked along at what i believed to be a tortoise's pace.
apparently a really hot guy gave me some accelerade.
i didn't notice, but he did.
he told me this at the shell station wed night, but hasn't called yet.

mile 9
fuck, my hip muscles and feet hurt.
i promised to never run a half again.
i decided to stick to a 15K max.
i have holes in my feet right now, as i type this.
hot. super hot.

mile 10
i realized i am actually going to finish in under 2 hours as long as i don't walk.
got a permagrin because i'm faster than i think.
i thought it would take me at least 2:10 this year.

mile 12
the cheerleaders at my school screamed at me with joy as i cussed under my breath.
well, maybe not so under my breath- that hill was the worst thing ever.
seriously.
ever.

and i finished.
proceeded to a mexican restaurant.
took 2 hydrocodones.
ate monster quesadillas.
drank a margarita.
ate a pint of ice cream and a nutty buddy.
took a nap.
went to a wedding.
ate TONS of wedding food (2 pieces of cake in there somewhere)
drank 9 vodka sodas.
ate at waffle house.
went to bed at 2am.

my training regimen for this half marathon put me at a 8 min 50 sec mile.
my training regimen was to run 16-20 miles a week.
and consume copious amounts of alcohol as a rite of spring.
that's it.
i've decided that i'm done.
being a weak-ass that is.
it's on.

im committing.
the memphis is going down in 1:40 instead of 1:56.
i'm going to the track.
i'm doing fartleks.
sleeping with some ugly track guy for training advice.
whatever.
if i'm going to be blogging on friday nights, i at least need to be fast.

you can have it all

today i hung with a friend who did not find it weird that i am going to chicago by myself in july. god bless her for that and for never looking at my like i am a retard when i talk about why i am divorced.

and because it is the one year anniversary this month,
i'm gonna talk about the big D.

cons:
1. i hate that i made choices that hurt good people.
2. i hate that some people will never trust my judgement again.
3. i hate that i forgot me.

pros:
1. i love that i never have to wonder if i am lovable enough to marry.
2. i love that i had my perfect wedding. (and fuck you for thinking i'm shallow. every girl dreams about that shit- no matter how down to earth and cool she is.)
3. i love the possibilities are infinite.

i just need to figure out what the hell i possibly want.

the way the lazy do

ran the nashville half marathon today. it was nice.
i didn't have a panic attack at mile 11, and i finished in under 2 hours.
not much else i could hope for.

well... maybe i could not have some weird ass misshapen toe from liking tight shoes.
that's about it.

going to lunch with girlfriends.
i need marguaritas.
ta ta.

don't say a word (hot chicken #31)

the other morning, i woke up in bed with a wrench, a hazelnut, and my vibrator.
there's not a whole lot else to say.

dashboard

my washer fluid light is always on.
always.
it makes some people nervous when they drive my car because it is this peppy yellow text that peeps from the side of the steering wheel. that may be where i fell in love... text. i feel sure that if it were a symbol or just a little flasher-lite i would hate it, but it's words. pretty, pretty words.

at least that's why i thought that the light didn't bother me. but today, "washer fluid" brought other lettered-friends to the light show. and these kids are not cool.

they drink too much hunch punch and puke on the carpet.
they chew glow lights in their mouths.
they steal your mother's rolex.

they read check engine.

turns out that i was only okay with the annoying little light when it was shiny and benign. now that it means something, it scares the shit out of me.

if you really want to know...

the only two things that frighten me are birds and special people.
i can absolutely handle snakes and corpses... no problem.

but, special people rank high because i have had diaper duty with one student familiar with puberty and have had duty with another whom had a FIRM understanding of self gratification far beyond anything that could kill a werewolf.

did you know there is educational protocol for such things???...
SEND YOUR CHILDREN TO PRIVATE SCHOOL.
i can not even talk about it.

birds scare me because
1. they are super twitchy
2. they try to confiscate building materials from my ball o' dark brown hair.

special people scare me because
1. i've cleaned pubes off my work keyboard
2. god will punish me come embryo time

but andrew bird is beautiful.
and i still have faith because i have a last name.
figure that one out.

top ten reasons i won't go out with you again

i couldn't resist.

10. you've never heard of the starlight mints.
9. you tell me at least 7 times that gay guys think that you are gay.
8. your hands shake when you are near me.
7. you kiss me when i am explaining (nicely) that you shouldn't.
6. you smell like cold chicken grease.
5. you stay in my bed on sunday morning, though you have a home.
4. your primary mode of contact with me is texting.
3. you can't go beer to beer with me, though you weigh 50lbs more than i.
2. you choose tv over music.
1. you have spider fingers that crawl over my skin in trepidation.

inhume me, man

yeah- get out your thesaurus.
i had to because resurrection is definitely a first century phenomenon.

so what happens when someone
wants to eat at your favorite restaurant,
takes you to a great music place,
and wears a cute shirt.

nothing if you are the pickiest bitch on the planet.

now i have to figure out how to get rid of him, if i haven't already with my date-nite-monologue about how hot i am, how picky i am, and how bitchy i am. this speech springs forth from my mouth like Clampett oil when i am sitting next to the wrong guy. i can not stop it, and it horrifies me.

all of it horrifies me.
all of them horrify me.
well almost all of them.
and if he doesn't horrify me, he usually doesn't call me.

i really want to make another detailed list hazing men, but i don't even have the optimism to laugh anymore.
i'll list them though.

#9 puma pimp
#10 the five year old
#11 takes 5 hours to get ready
#12 i've known you for 15 years
#13 you must be gay
#14 the franchise boy
#15 talks without listening

there is one person who didn't make the above list because everything that i would make fun of him for is actually what makes him attractive to me. a friend of mine said it best, none of this shit would bother you if you liked the guy- you'd find it endearing.

so...here's to finding someone else who, when he chases his food around his plate with a toothpick, makes me want to kiss him.

the splinter inside me

palm sunday always used to be my favorite at church.
there's something about green fronds that i could smack my older brother with when he farted on me in church. there's something about peeling the leaves along their striations until the perfect curl formed in my hand, readily reminding me that god can make some really beautiful things. there's something about tangibility that can not be refuted or regretted during this, the season of resurrection.

however, instead of going to church this easter season,
i went to brunch at the germantown cafe-
where i gave my phone number to the waiter.

mind you i wrote the digits on a calling card that read,
"Ms.(blank) would like to apologize for her naughty behavior on (blank) to further address, she may be reached at (blank)"

i filled in the blanks.
he's called.
he's smart.
he's the next boy i'm gonna kiss.

turns out that god likes it when i stay out of church, because
i needed to remember what it feels like to be excited
instead of vaguely disconcerted when a new boy calls.
i needed not to laugh at someone
who could not wait 24 hours to talk to me.

maybe i can hold this palm and find resurrection.